Hello, friends. It’s been a minute. I’ve been busy doing life things, and by life things I mean lurking around looking for free food.
But something has caused me to come out of retirement, and crusade once again for the future of humanity.
I’m not sure when I began to notice how truly real it has become. How devastating, how captivating. How widespread. But it has come to my attention that we need to talk.
Ladies- this has to stop. Men have to stop, too. But that’s a different post for a different forum (looking at you, GQ).
What, you say, do I have to stop? What thirst? Enough. You know who you are. Or, you know who you can reach out and help in these dark times.
- Stop with the (almost) naked Instagram posts. We do not need to know what you look like in your underwear in your bathroom. Why are these pictures always in the bathroom? That is probably the least sexy location in your house*. Do you know who else can see these posts, besides the thirsty men you seek? Your mom. And Jesus.
- Stop going to the gym in what I like to call “balloon casual”… if your attire is stretched so tightly over certain round parts of your body that the material looks like a thin latex balloon just waiting to pop during a tumultuous elliptical circuit… can you just not? This is very distracting for those of us trying to do gym things. It’s spandex, not latex. Repeat that a few times for maximum retention.
- Do not make the duck face in real life. If you have to take duck face selfies, you do you. But replacing a coy smirk, even a flirty wave, to make the duck face at someone from across the room? #thirst. This strange behavior occurred in front of me recently and I could not fathom what I was witnessing. It was probably equivalent to how most people feel the first time they watch that live-birth film in middle school biology– horror.
- Stop intentionally dropping things on the ground when a potential victim is watching. The bend and snap has had its day. And a glorious day it was. But, we all know what you’re doing. If you actually need to retrieve a fallen object, I want full eye contact on said object, and a quick scoop-up. None of this side-eye-flirty-eye-drawn-out-stretch where you keep missing whatever you’re trying to grab because you’re focusing on a poor, innocent bystander. This is not your yoga class. This is Starbucks.
- Cease with the inappropriate posts, comments, replies, messages, etc. on social media, especially on posts that have nothing to do with what you’re thirsting to do. Does this ever actually work for anyone anyway? I liken it to being wolf-whistled at from a ratchet car– it’s not going to happen, so why shame yourself in such a way? I’ve seen some alarmingly impressive usage of emojis to convey sexual thoughts lately. Quit it. Save that for texting or snapchat, ya nasty.
These tips are all that I have the energy for right now, and if you’re one of the thirsty, they’re probably all that you can handle for starters. This is a process, like any addiction, and it’s going to take time. You can do it. If you need additional examples of how real the thirst has become and why we need to stop it, I recommend this article by Buzzfeed, as it contains many valuable insights.
Good luck, warriors. We must quench this thing before it’s too late.
*This is not an invitation to move your photography to the bedroom or kitchen (definitely the most sexy place in the house, #food), but an observation resulting from my confusion as to why you chose the bathroom in the first place. Is the toilet some new turn-on that I’m unaware of? Is it a metaphor for the thirst since most aspects of the bathroom involve running water?