#TheThirstIsReal

Hello, friends. It’s been a minute. I’ve been busy doing life things, and by life things I mean lurking around looking for free food.
But something has caused me to come out of retirement, and crusade once again for the future of humanity.

The thirst.

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I’m not sure when I began to notice how truly real it has become. How devastating, how captivating. How widespread. But it has come to my attention that we need to talk.

Ladies- this has to stop. Men have to stop, too. But that’s a different post for a different forum (looking at you, GQ).

What, you say, do I have to stop? What thirst? Enough. You know who you are. Or, you know who you can reach out and help in these dark times.

Let’s begin:

  • Stop with the (almost) naked Instagram posts. We do not need to know what you look like in your underwear in your bathroom. Why are these pictures always in the bathroom? That is probably the least sexy location in your house*. Do you know who else can see these posts, besides the thirsty men you seek? Your mom. And Jesus.
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  • Stop going to the gym in what I like to call “balloon casual”… if your attire is stretched so tightly over certain round parts of your body that the material looks like a thin latex balloon just waiting to pop during a tumultuous elliptical circuit… can you just not? This is very distracting for those of us trying to do gym things. It’s spandex, not latex. Repeat that a few times for maximum retention.
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  • Do not make the duck face in real life. If you have to take duck face selfies, you do you. But replacing a coy smirk, even a flirty wave, to make the duck face at someone from across the room? #thirst. This strange behavior occurred in front of me recently and I could not fathom what I was witnessing. It was probably equivalent to how most people feel the first time they watch that live-birth film in middle school biology– horror.
    .

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  • Stop intentionally dropping things on the ground when a potential victim is watching. The bend and snap has had its day. And a glorious day it was. But, we all know what you’re doing. If you actually need to retrieve a fallen object, I want full eye contact on said object, and a quick scoop-up. None of this side-eye-flirty-eye-drawn-out-stretch where you keep missing whatever you’re trying to grab because you’re focusing on a poor, innocent bystander. This is not your yoga class. This is Starbucks.
  • Cease with the inappropriate posts, comments, replies, messages, etc. on social media, especially on posts that have nothing to do with what you’re thirsting to do. Does this ever actually work for anyone anyway? I liken it to being wolf-whistled at from a ratchet car– it’s not going to happen, so why shame yourself in such a way? I’ve seen some alarmingly impressive usage of emojis to convey sexual thoughts lately. Quit it. Save that for texting or snapchat, ya nasty.

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These tips are all that I have the energy for right now, and if you’re one of the thirsty, they’re probably all that you can handle for starters. This is a process, like any addiction, and it’s going to take time. You can do it. If you need additional examples of how real the thirst has become and why we need to stop it, I recommend this article by Buzzfeed, as it contains many valuable insights.

Good luck, warriors. We must quench this thing before it’s too late.

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Take-Away Tweet: #TheThirstIsReal and it’s up to you to save this world. Save it for your children, and your children’s children. @GirlCode_Blog

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*This is not an invitation to move your photography to the bedroom or kitchen (definitely the most sexy place in the house, #food), but an observation resulting from my confusion as to why you chose the bathroom in the first place. Is the toilet some new turn-on that I’m unaware of? Is it a metaphor for the thirst since most aspects of the bathroom involve running water?

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Future

Has anyone else been asked recently what they’re doing “this summer” or “next year” or “with their life”? And by recently, I mean at least 47 times since you climbed out of bed today?

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Stop asking me.

It’s okay to not know what you’re doing, ladies. No matter what phase in life you’re experiencing (i.e. entering college, graduating from college, beginning a new career, sliding into spinsterdom), you don’t have to have every last detail 100% figured out and Pinterest-perfect. We’ve all been there and survived, or are currently here avoiding reality with you.

Sometimes even the most confident of Beyoncés can feel a bit discouraged concerning the unknowns in her life. Will you successfully get your MRS degree at SmartKid University? Will you ever find a job after college that allows napping, provides snacks, and encourages a cocaine-like addiction to Facebook? Will Mr. Right ever appear or will you have to start tragically fishing from the friend zone and eventually end up with nothing but cat memes, not even real cats?

Back away from the friend zone, the Ben&Jerry’s, and The Notebook, girl. Regardless of what you’re going through… it’s not worth all that. There are a few things that you need to keep in mind:

  • This.
  • You are extremely talented. You know how to do a lot of things, and do them well. You even have secret skills that could land you as victor of America’s Got Talent, you just don’t want to embarrass the competition. You probably have abilities that even you are currently unaware of, just waiting to burst forth at the opportune moment.

A Grammy? For Me?! I’d like to thank my parents, The Boyfriend, tequila, the Academy, my 5th grade teacher, and tequila.

  • You are ridiculously beautiful- inside (mostly at least, we all think evil thoughts about overly attractive people inside our minds sometimes because life is unfair) and out (except for when you forget to take off lipstick after going out and wake up looking like the clown from It). You’re a catch and anyone who can’t see that needs to visit an optometrist or a psychologist, depending on the severity of their misjudgment.
  • You are insanely intelligent. You can perform basic math functions like addition and the calculation of a 10% or 20% tip (15% is more difficult to do mentally, use your iPhone). You can read through the ever-complicated iTunes “Terms of Use” with lightning speed. You have the memory of an elephant, recalling ‘N Sync lyrics from their very first album and recounting with incredible accuracy everything that The Boyfriend said when he was angry.
  • You are resourceful, creative, and ambitious. You’re going to make your money someway, somehow. Even while remaining within the legal boundaries set forth by your local, state, and national governments.

Lisa is doing it right. So you can you.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean, and I hope you dance. You’re going to get all of this stuff figured out, you’re going to make it look easy, and you’re going to look good doing it, Sasha Fierce. Just take your time.

Take-Away Tweet: It’s ok to not have the future settled. Say “I don’t know” w/ confidence and #live #laugh #love #dance #inspiration #blessed @GirlCode_Blog

GuyGarb

Girls, do you ever look at your The Boyfriend and think:

  • Why does he seem to be emulating the early 2000s version of Aaron Carter from this hot mess
  • When did he go thrift shopping with Macklemore, unbeknownst to me?
  • I must need glasses, are those jorts?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it may be time to have the talk. The wardrobe talk. Here’s how you do it:

  1. You need to DTR between The Boyfriend and his clothes. Does he love clothes, just the wrong ones? Is he attached to them because of some endearing (read: stupid) high school event that he can’t let go? Or, maybe he hates even the notion of clothing. Does he curse Adam and Eve every morning for the fact that he can’t walk around naked in public? His body is, after all, God’s gift to us mere mortals.

    Normally I would take issue with the bow tie, the belt, and the strange arm cuff... but, I mean...

    Normally I would take issue with the bow tie, the belt, and the strange arm cuff… but, I mean…

  2. Don’t try to change everything all at once. While reminding him that white socks simply cannot go with dress shoes, don’t try to take away his favorite (terrible) hat that reeks of a gas station purchase. One step at a time, girlfriend… “accidentally” throw the hat away the next day.
  3. Blue jeans are a big deal. He can wear the best shirt and shoes any woman could imagine but jeans with a terrible wash will tank that outfit and probably your entire date, maybe his entire life. Get him a nice pair of jeans. Because, America.
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  4. Get your best girls involved. Once The Boyfriend knows that he looks good the first time that you dress him, he’ll start to realize that you truly are the beacon of wisdom that you claim to be and listen to you more. Still, it helps to have positive reinforcement from other women who are obviously hot because they’re your friends. Tell them to compliment his new leather jacket, his fabulously stylish new shoes, his awesome aviator sunglasses. Tell them to throw in their best smiles, and bat their eyelashes a bit so that he feels real macho-macho man. Only employ your best girls in this mission to ensure that they’re not actually flirting, because this fledging male model that you’re training is both your apprentice and your prize… other ladies, find your own helpless little fashion disaster to manipulate.
    … .
  5. Cater to what The Boyfriend already likes. If he’s built for comfort, you can’t go straight for speed. If the man lives in sweatpants and t-shirts, you can’t suddenly demand that he wear a blazer, button down, and jeans everywhere. Go for the chic, hipster style of nice jeans (see #3), a comfy but cool t-shirt, and maybe a blazer depending on the occasion/his mental capacity to deal with change. Just be gentle and use your creative prowess to create looks that incorporate real style and his style. Unless he’s in trouble for something, then you can demand whatever you want regardless of anyone else’s feelings.
  6. Continuously gift him with the things that you want him to wear. It’s his birthday? Oh, how about a nice new skinny tie! It’s your anniversary? Oh honey, after 7 hours of shopping without snacks I just happened upon this new suit that I think you would look dashing in! This is the same logic that his mother uses to get him to wear the sweaters that she knits herself, even when she knows that they are horrid and desexualizing. Does she want grandkids, ever?

    The Boyfriend will be sad if you're too harsh. A good mix of caution and persuasion will usually get him wearing what you want, so think smart. Also, ice cream.

    The Boyfriend will be sad if you’re too harsh. A good mix of caution and persuasion will usually get him wearing what you want, so think smart. Also, ice cream.

Now, for a special treat for you readers I decided to interview The Boyfriend about a few issues concerning wardrobe and the like:

Girlcode: How does a girl approach the topic of a haircut?

The Boyfriend: That’s harder. You just have to play with his hair enough that eventually he just gives in and gets it cut like that. Take him to your gay hairdresser.

Girlcode: How do you feel about skinny jeans?

The Boyfriend: No.

Girlcode: How do you feel about skinny ties?

The Boyfriend: They’re cool.

Girlcode: Pastels?

The Boyfriend: Only on Easter. No, they’re okay sometimes. Just can’t make a habit out of them.

Girlcode: What about jewelry?

The Boyfriend: What about jewelry? No.*

As you can see, ladies, it is possible to create a functioning member of the style world. It is also possible to create a monster, as demonstrated in the fact that The Boyfriend recently commented that my dress was “loud” and properly identified it as fuchsia. Fuchsia. The hope is that your man will develop his own sense of style eventually (at least, you will allow him to believe that it’s his own) that is acceptable for public viewing. Just remember to be gentle as you guide him towards GQ cover status. We wouldn’t want to scar his fragile ego because then you might not ever get him to wear those cool prescription Ray-Bans. Plus, if you do everything right with the clothing situation, you may eventually get to bring up a more serious topic: manscaping.

Take-Away Tweet: You CAN influence the attire of the male in your life in ways that won’t cause him to hate you. Believe in your stylish self. @GirlCode_Blog

Fuchsia

Fuchsia

*He later retracted this statement and decided that a watch and/or a wedding ring are, in fact, acceptable jewelry. Such leniency.

Formals

It’s your favorite time of year again, ladies! Fraternity formal season has officially begun, and that means one of two things for you:
  1. You are GOING on one. This is your time to shine, this is your moment. Cram in those 6-pack ab workouts that Pinterest swears will work in 2 days, get that spray tan (everyone loves smelling like a hamster), and shave those legs! Going on more than one formal? I can’t even handle you right now, Beyoncé.
  2. You have purposefully/specifically chosen not to go, obviously. Or maybe you didn’t get invited. Either way, you’re thrilled about a free weekend because you have a lot of work to catch up on… i.e. watching both seasons of New Girl on Project Free TV, crying at the season finale of Girls if your mom feels sorry enough to give you the HBOGo password, or doing something else that only involves the word “girls” because Male People suck and all of them clearly hate you.

So, making the pilgrimage to warmer, more ratchet climates? A few things to keep in mind:

  • If you’re not going to PCB, Destin, or Myrtle Beach, then it is a scam and you need to escape
  • Wear sunscreen. No one likes a peeler. Or skin cancer
  • Drink a lot of water, especially if you’ll be consuming grownup beverages. You get dehydrated on the beach much quicker than you do on a normal night of street walking
  • It’s a marathon, not a sprint. If you’re already gone by 11:00am, you need to slow down #UsainBolt
  • Sand causes irritation. Think wisely
  • Don’t bring your granny panties or frumpy pjs… you’re sharing a room. You will be judged.
  • Be careful what you post on your various social media sites: what happens at formal does not stay at formal. In fact, most of us will probably know about what you did with who and where before you get back via group messaging gossip, so don’t give us picture evidence of anything inapprops
  • Bring your toothbrush

On coolers:

  • Paint that thing outside. No one wants to breathe in your fumes in their room all week long
  • If you can lift it by yourself once you’ve filled it, you’re doing it wrong
  • Self-portraits as decoration are not appropriate. Stop being vain/it’s not like anyone could accurately capture your beauty on that surface anyway 
  • If you can’t paint, outsourcing is an acceptable alternative. Hire a local high schooler who desperately wants to feel good about themselves
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See any blood? I don’t either. She needs to sand harder. This is FORMAL. No pain, no gain.

Formals are a great way to make new friends, make new haters that you’ll never speak to again, and make new “sometimes we talk after a few rounds at Tin Roof” acquaintances. Make sure that you’re at least surface-level nice to everyone and only make fun of people who aren’t on the trip with you. You have obviously done something right if you’re participating in the social events of the next two weekends, so don’t mess it up.

Take-Away Tweet: FORMAL 2013, ERMAHGERD!!!! #greek #awesome #cool #winning @GirlCode_Blog

And remember, always use protection.

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BabyFacebook

Hey, friends! I just want to share with you a *few* updates in the life of my honeykins snugglebear. He’s literally growing every single day so I want to share documentation of that growth every single day, okay? I know y’all probably laugh at silly ol’ me, posting like it’s my job, but… my heavens! I just can’t stop, he’s the most precious baby!

First bath!

First bath!

We've found a new, yummy yummy snack!

We’ve found a new, yummy yummy snack!

Momma's lil' Cardinals fan!

Momma’s lil’ Cardinals fan!

Had enough?

If you’re between the ages of 16 and 40* years old, one of your Facebook friends probably just had a baby. You don’t know that they’ve recently become a first-time parent because

  • you got a birth announcement in the mail (gross, the word “birth”)
  • because you received a personal phone call with the news (wait, phones make calls? I’m pretty sure my phone only texts…)
  • because you’ve actually gone to visit the new little cherub

No, you know about the new baby because your friend posts pictures to Facebook approximately every waking moment. You know who you are, you of the “Okay, just one more because she’s just the sweetest!” clan. If you say “one more” and then go ahead and post 47 more of your child literally doing nothing, so help me God. This has got to stop.

Almost crawling!

Almost crawling!

Trying so hard, we're so close!

Trying so hard, we’re so close!

Though I am not a parent myself, I can understand the joy and excitement that a new life brings. But I should not know the details about darling’s “poopies” because you’ve explicitly stated them in all-inclusive, E! True Hollywood story style, hourly posts. We are not the paparazzi, we are not seeking this information.

Big boy potty time! Can't believe how fast they grow up

Big boy potty time! Can’t believe how fast they grow up

The occasional picture post is great. Even an album that sums up Jr.’s first month, second month, etc. is fine because it’s a one time, succinct thing that we’re ready for every 30 days. We’re girls, we can handle these monthly things even if we hate them… you feel me.

Sitting up like a good little man!

Sitting up like a good little man!

After all, we do want to see what you’ve managed to create with another human, because let’s be real– the whole idea of babies is fascinating and weird. Just cool it a bit, okay? No one thinks your baby is as cute as you do until it grows up to be Ryan Reynolds, in which case you should be concerned about how women feel about your baby. Until that happens, leave its future in the spotlight to the future and stop harassing our timelines with homemade carrots&peas mush spitup.

Just Sweetums and me in our own little world. And on Facebook

Just Sweetums and me in our own little world. And on Facebook

Take-Away Tweet: Leave us wanting more when it comes to baby pics. Think about your child’s future. Think about all of us. @GirlCode_Blog

*Those of you over 50 who have grandchildren probably enjoy the live streaming, so this post is less applicable to you. That does not give you permission to share all 2700 pictures with all of us, because that means we have to see them all twice. If you’ve made it this far and are an 85-year-old great-grandparent then I commend you, you can do whatever you want. Except drive. (see below)

Driving

Ladies, handle this driving situation. Male People already hate on us enough for supposedly not being able to operate motor vehicles. Sadly, the evidence is in their favor. Mine eyes have seen horrors taking place behind the wheel, so let’s have a chat.

Because, this compilation of failure happened. 2:44, I just cannot. Lord have mercy.

  • Stop taking selfies while you’re driving. We don’t need the authenticity of you actually being on the highway to understand the overwhelming freedom you feel while on the open road. Stage that iPhone magic in a parking lot, parked. Instagram will appreciate your high regard for safety.
  • Brush up on some of those lame things that you learned in Driver’s Ed., like using a turn signal, parallel parking, and merging. Sooo boring, but sooo required for daily functioning as a licensed driver.
  • If you’re feeling a little Nervous Nancy and planning to drive about 30 mph on the highway, probably stay out of the left lane. If you’ve got your Aggressive Amy panties on and feeling more like an 87 mph kind of afternoon, probably scoot on over to the left lane or perhaps choose a safer method of transportation. (Biking is great for the inner thighs, #summer)
  • No matter how big your car is, stay on your side. See below. This was infuriating. I was on my way to eat and couldn’t get around Sysco, Queen of the Road. Do not get in the way of other drivers trying to reunite with In-N-Out.

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  • If you’re 85 years old and driving, you’ve got to stop. You’ve had an incredible run, thanks from all of us.
  • The car is not the place to do your makeup. A little dab of blush or lipgloss is okay, because you’re just trying to add some sparkle to your almost complete look. Driving with your knees in order to put on eyeliner or falsies is not okay, because unfortunately, your eyes have a job to be doing. The last time you walked into work or an event and had someone say, “Wow! Your makeup looks great! I’ll bet you did it in the car, you multi-tasker!” was… never. Besides, that little mirror has terrible lighting and you deserve the best.
  • If you drop something, wait until your commute is over to retrieve it. Do not go scrounging around for that piece of candy, you are not going to find it within the 10 second rule limitations. There is nothing more terrifying than driving up next to the Headless Horseman while you’re going 70 mph.

There is nothing that we can’t do, girls. That includes driving, so let’s prove it.

Take-Away Tweet: Don’t let the Male People stereotype us. Learn how to drive @GirlCode_Blog

Bracketology

It’s that time of year again. February finished prematurely and March is here to rain us to death. March is also here to make the NCAA college basketball tournament the only thing that anyone cares to talk about at the Keurig (watercoolers are not a thing anymore). It’s time to get your bracket ready.

You may be one of those girls who has an all but allergic reaction to even the slightest mention of sports. Stop being dramatic. This isn’t about being in or not in to sports. This is about much more:

  • potentially proving to your friends, family, coworkers, classmates, etc. that you know at least a little something about everything, including sports
  • potentially winning some cash, food, or other favors in some sort of pool
  • potentially being right… Girls love to be right
  • potentially proving to yourself once and for all that you truly are a psychic
  • potentially impressing The Boy Friends or The Boyfriend or best of all, The Boyfriend’s Friends

This is your shot at greatness in 2013, because let’s be honest– you’ve already sacked those New Year’s resolutions and your chocolate fast ended approximately 39 days before the end of Lent. Fill out that bracket and relax while you watch college athletes lay it all on the court for your chance in the spotlight.

Image via Washington Post (2012)

If you have no idea where to start, begin by locating a bracket. The Huffington Post has a user-friendly printable version. Most newspapers at your local stand will have a nice big one and at this point, there are so many everywhere that most public restrooms are using them as toilet paper. You have no excuse. They are more readily available than selfies on Instagram.

Once you’ve acquired a bracket, do not treat it as a free-for-all coloring page. Be better than random selection. Do not choose the winner of each game by picking solely based on:

  • team colors
  • team mascot
  • team logo
  • closing your eyes and pointing
  • alphabetical order
  • the higher seeded team every time
  • the school where your ex didn’t go
  • the school with the highest GPA
  • the team with the hottest players (just kidding, this is acceptable but don’t admit it to anyone)

Instead, take advantage of the countless resources available to you thanks to modern technology. Websites like CBS and Yahoo provide interactive brackets that keep up with themselves and provide statistics about each team so that you can make an informed decision. If you’re one of those employed people with a disposable income (they do exist) then an ESPN Insider subscription gets you even fancier features like simulated games to help you place your bets. If you’re the rest of us and lacking in dollars to make ESPN holler, you can also ask the Male People in your life or girlfriends-who-believe-in-athletics for advice.

Also, just leaving your tv on ESPN or the like all day will enable you to learn more than you need to know. The announcers and reporters will not shut up about March Madness until the confetti is swept up from the championship game.

The Madness is upon us whether you like it or not. Hurry up and get your picks in before the games start… it isn’t cool to fill out your bracket after the tournament begins. That is called cheating.

Take-Away Tweet: Fill out a respectable #MarchMadness bracket. It can only make you better at life. Be better at life. @GirlCode_Blog

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Cheeseburgers

There are 4-5 women in your #Girls’NightOut group and you hit up that swanky little restaurant/bar on the corner near your rich(ish) friend’s apartment. Totally hipster chic. You’re all dressed to impress and on the prowl–but really, this is about spending time with your best girls, so it doesn’t matter what you look like. It follows that it doesn’t matter what you eat.

When 4 of your friends order a delicious cheeseburger (it is gourmet), it is unacceptable for you to order a salad. Even a salad with meat and croutons. Don’t be that girl. You are making your gorgeous, intelligent, and hilarious friends feel like fatties. Your “diet” must be sacrificed to the friendship gods. Order sweet potato fries instead of the regular ones if that makes you feel better. But get the burger*.

Take-Away Tweet: You are not better than the rest of us. Eat the cheeseburger. @GirlCode_Blog

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*Vegetarians: If you’re a real veggie (not a sometimes-when-I-feel-like-sounding-healthy poser) then you may skip the meat. But you better damn well order the veggie burger with everything on it.